Is it sad that I don’t express my gender fluidity fully because I’m afraid no one will love me?
Sigh. One more lecture from my mother about how unladylike I am, and I’ll pull out my dick and piss on everything.
The night I lost my unconditional love for humanity.
I was walking home from the J train, Chauncey stop, around 10:45PM. Just one of those regular Wednesday nights, when I have class till 10 (Oh yeah, I’ve never been fond of late graduate studies). Well yeah, it wasn’t a regular night. It was snowing horribly, and I couldn’t wait till I got to my warm cute apartment.
There is a Deli right on the corner of Broadway and Granite street where I live. When I was passing by, I saw a car with 2 guys in it, and their friend was walking towards them from the Deli. “Hm, look at that Snowflake”, I heard one of them said in my direction. It was too cold for me to even react or smile back in response, so I just passed by and turned to my street.
I was carrying my MacBookPro in a black case, my purse and my phone (oh yea, I love texting :)). When I was literally a minute or two from my apartment, somebody approached me from the back and touched my shoulder firmly. I thought maybe my roommate went to the grocery store, so I turned around. It wasn’t my roommate but a guy, and he tried to grab my laptop saying: “Give it to me”. It took me 2 or 3 seconds to realize that it’s not a joke, and I’m about to lose my Mac. I clutched it with my hands to my chest, and the guy started aggressively forcing me to give it to him. He was trying to pull it from me from my back. I’d then noticed a guy cleaning his car a few feet from the scene, and I started screaming for help! The fact that it was happening very close to my house made me scream even louder (and yeah, you guys know that I’m not the quietest person). A woman looked down from her window and shut it down like it was an annoyance. I was screaming and struggling for my property, while that guy pushed me into the fence, and then he pushed me to the ground. Now, I’ve realized that his partner was standing right there trying to help him to get my Mac. So, the whole thing lasted for about 15 seconds, and I was still holding on to my laptop, laying on the ground and fighting. At some point I become very aware of what what actually happening, and how ridiculous and unfair and painful, and how unpredictable the whole situation was. I just pictured that motherfucker taking out his knife or punching me in the face, or his friend kicking me with his boots. I realized that the guy who was cleaning his car wasn’t going to do shit, and I loosened my hands a bit to give away my darling laptop. The other guy tried to grab my purse, but he couldn’t get it right away. Since the whole crime scene had taken quite a long time by then, at this point they just ran away with my laptop. I stood up from the ground, crying and in shock, I screamed: “Please, don’t do that! Please, return!”, and then I turned to that jerk with his fucking car and screamed at him: “Why? Why the fuck didn’t you helped me?”. And he just shrugged his shoulders, turned away and didn’t say a word. And that just killed me. I didn’t feel such an injustice and vulnerability in my whole entire life like I felt at that moment. I looked around me seeking for help, and “nobody got time for that”. I walked back to Broadway, and I saw the car driving away from the Deli, and just a few people were on the street who, obviously, didn’t give a fuck about what just happened, as if they see it every day, like it’s normal.
It was so cold and nasty out. I was so cold and broken. I called 911. Told them what had happened. The woman on the phone asked me if the guys were Black, and then she asked me how black they were. I was like “Whaaaat?”, and she gave me some options: “like black black? brown black?..did they have an accent?” I was like “Are you kidding me? Just send the fucking cops here!”
I’m devastated and I still can’t fully believe what just had happened when I got home. Four cops arrived 20 minutes later. Slowly they came in. The first thing they said was that I should call Apple and ask if they can track my Mac. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. They also asked me whether I want to file a report. I was just so confused as if this happens to me every fucking day and I know what to do. Shit. This was so bad. Like what are my options? I just want my laptop back, and those motherfuckers in prison. One report, 5 reports, I don’t know - everything that needs to be done in those situations. Then the cops asked me whether I wanted to take a ride with them and look for the guys who had robbed me. As if they would just still be hanging out on the corner with my laptop smoking weed. That was just so ridiculous. I told the cops about the witness, and they said that if I want I can try to talk to that guy, but “people here don’t cooperate with us” - that was their reply. ………..
To make a long story short, I’ve never been scared of living in any neighborhood, and to me people are good initially, until they do shit. I moved to Bushwick 3 months ago, and I loved it here. I loved how authentic it is. And last night was the first time in maybe 12 years that I slept with the lights on. Last night was the first time I experienced people not being human. Last night was the first time I was picturing myself bleeding while being attacked. Last night that motherfucker with his fucking car just was just standing there, and he didn’t do shit to help me. I lost my unconditional love to humanity. Last night.